Know Who You Are
Knowing who you are and what you want is the first and most essential step in clarifying what your sexuality is all about. This isn't about anyone else, just you. You have to decide what feels good, and what doesn't. Tantra believes that all of who you are is divine. Your hair, your body, your mind, your smile, your soul, your heart, everything about you is sacred and beautiful. Getting clarification about these issues will allow you to relax, let go and surrender to the orgasmic energy within your body and in the cosmos. You can get more and more clear with or without a partner. Each time you are with a partner you can learn more about yourself and your sexuality. Each time you self pleasure, you can know more about what pleases you, more about your body, more about your pleasure, more about your boundaries and more about how you take care of your self sexually and emotionally. Use every opportunity to learn more about yourself. You're worth it. Your sexuality is worth it.
You Are Responsible For Your Arousal
One of the issues that comes up frequently in working with clients is the old "who is responsible for what?" Although it has become a cliché to say that "You are responsible for you and for your sexual turn-on", a lot of women don't know what that means in a practical sense. We have been taught that men take the initiative and we often expect them to know much more about sex than we do. This is one of those beliefs that is constricting as well as untrue. It puts enormous pressure on the guy to be unreal. The truth is, he often doesn't know anymore than you and sometimes, less. He's had much more permission to experiment with his sexuality, and may be more comfortable expanding his repertoire, i.e. trying new things.
You, my dear woman, are a deliciously complicated sexual being. This means you have different needs and desires at different times. Although this can be tantalizingly wonderful, it can be very confusing to the poor man, or female partner, who is trying to understand you and only wants to please you. This is another reason you need to know what YOU want, so you can be prepared to communicate those desires to your partner. What you desire may change with your cycle, your mood, the weather, and how aroused you are. You have specific erogenous zones and trigger spots. You are in the best position to learn these and then communicate them to your partner at the appropriate time. Regardless of your current status, with one partner for a long time or with a new one, stretch yourself to be more open verbally with your partner about sex. It's kinda scary but it has such a huge payoff, and it is titillating too.
Demonstrate How You Like To Be Stimulated
A really fun thing to do is to demonstrate on yourself, with movement and descriptive words as well, exactly how you like to be loved? Begin with how you like to be touched, and where? How much kissing and what kind of kissing do you like. How does your yoni (Tantric for vulva) like to be approached? What do you like to experience with oral, manual or penile sex? This can really turn you both on. To say "I'm interested in you" suggests to him that he reciprocate by demonstrating how he likes to be loved. Trust me, you will learn something about stroking his vajra (Tantric for penis) by carefully watching how it does it to himself. And you will both get even more turned on. Ask questions if you aren't clear about something.
Men Need To Know How They Are Doing
Men love to get respectful, caring feedback from their women. It gives them confidence that they are going in the correct direction and that you are having a good time, that you are truly involved. Making love to someone who is quiet, moves little, never moans or screams is not only a bit boring, but is enigmatic to the giver. He is in no man's land trying to figure out if what he is doing has any result at all. Remember to compliment this wonderful man who is trying so hard (pun intended). Many men are very sensitive to be criticized. Be sure you discuss with him before hand about your desire to be more communicative and give him feedback about what pleasures you. If you are careful to include compliments, acknowledgments in the form of "oh, yes, that's right, oh, perfect, oh, keep doing that," he will be much more open to accepting the occasional "little to the left, oh, harder please, softer would feel good right now." You get the picture. Avoid sudden shifts or angry outbursts. Chances are he is doing his best. Remember, positive reinforcement works.
Drop Your Agenda & Explore
In Tantra, we are much more interested in pleasure and ecstasy than in orgasms, but we love orgasms too. As you become more and more open to your own pleasure, you will feel less and less the need to push for orgasm. The less you and your partner feel the pressure to "cum," the more sexual delights there are to experience, because he will last longer and you will have more time to get everything you want. Tantra is the Sanskrit word for to weave. We like to think of making love as a weaving of male and female energies, a dance of movement, breath, sound and presence. Tantra celebrates the earthy, sexual you. Let go, relax, breathe, love and honor your body and your partner. There is so much pleasure to be had. It is there all the time. All you have to do is make the time, communicate, relax, touch, and the divine does all the rest. There is no place to go, no sensation to have, just be.